


Exchange

by cheesemonster



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29489124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheesemonster/pseuds/cheesemonster
Summary: A funny story about Rafael Barba exchanges soul with Carisi’s girlfriend.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Original Female Character(s), Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 32
Kudos: 16





	1. Barba becomes a woman

That’s weird, I can’t add the chapter’s name, and this is the first chapter, not the only one chapter. 

[ ** DA’s Office] **

“Jemma! Jemma!” Carisi chased after the woman named Jemma out of the DA.s Office, “Can we talk? You can’t just say that…”

“What I should say?” The woman turned around, with eyes full of rage, “Should I file charges, then you would be listen to me?”

“No, Jemma,” Carisi shook his head, sighed, “We’ve been together for almost two years. You can’t just leave me…we can…”

“No, Sonny, You left me.” Jemma cut him off, “you left me for a long time. You don’t need me. You don’t love me.” She took a deep breath, “you have so much work and so many cases. You need your friends, you need your co-workers. The last thing you need is me.”

“No, Jemma, it’s not how you think…” Carisi tried his best to explain, “I just need…”

“Don’t mistake your habit for actual affection.” Jemma didn’t want to talk to him anymore, “Sonny, we loved each other, way much. But things changes, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t even love myself when I am with you. I think everything is over. I want to go to other places. Maybe I can get a new start.”

Then she turned around and walked quickly into a taxi, Carisi chased her and patted the door, shouting her name. However, Jemma turned her head to the other direction and wiped her tears, “Go.”

Carisi was so frustrated. As he tried to stop another taxi, his phone buzzed. He checked the phone. It was a message from Barba:

_ AA 04 7 _

_See you tomorrow_.

He invited Barba to discuss the recent cases.

Then Carisi heard a shrill, piercing voice, he looked up and found Jemma’s taxi was hit to the other side of road. Carisi’s heart sank down, then bounced wildly, he ranwith every breath in his body to the taxi, “Jemma!”

** [ Mercy’s hospital] **

Carisi was in the hospital, staying with Jemma for the whole night. He took her hand in his and fell asleep. When the first ray of sunshine came into the ward, Carisiwas awake by Jemma’s groan. He sat straight and asked with a soft voice, smoothing her forehead, “How do you feel, baby?”

Jemma looked at him, but she looked confused and a little bit surprised. Carisi stood up and press a kiss on her forehead.

Jemma was astonished by what Carisi did. Then raised her hand which was held in Carisi’ hand, smirked, “I know it’s a big accident, but you are so early, counselor. And this…this is too much, don’t you think?” Then Jemma’s face turned into a panic look, she was scared by her own voice, then she put her hand on her own throat, she opened her mouth but hardly dare to make sound.

Carisi touched her shoulder, then said with a worried face, “Hey, baby, are you all right?”

“I need to…” Jemma suddenly stopped, she grabbed herself by throat, said hoarsely to Carisi, “Don’t call me baby! I need…” Jemma rushed to the bathroom.

Jemma was shocked by what she saw in the mirror. Except some wounds, the face was so strange to her. Not that strange, actually, she touched the face and felt familiar, “it’s Jemma’s face, Oh MY GOD, what did you do to me?” Then she looked down and put her hands on her chests, “I become a woman! And the woman I know!”

“Hey, girl, what are you doing here?” An old man came into the bathroom and was surprised found a woman was here, “It’s men’s room, for god sake.”

Jemma was standing in the middle and was terrified out of her wits.

“OUT!” The old man stared at her.

Jemma ran out of the men’s room. Then she protested, “How dare you presumed I am a woman!”

“Show me your pennis!”

Then Jemma felt empty between her legs. _Where was my dick! OMG!_ _And my balls? OMG_! Jemma looked around and found no one passed by. She reached out her hand to touch her crotch. _So strange feelings! What was that!_ As far as she knew, it must be female sex organ. She’s totally a woman! Jemma was rattled and freak out, she opened her mouth but had to press the scream deep down inside. Then she heard the TV news:

The flight AA047 was crashed over the sea this morning, about 8:00 am. Now we are searching the survivors…

Jemma stared at the TV, “Lord, what did you do to Rafael Barba?!”

Her mind went to blank, then she was held by Carisi in his arms. Jemma’s mind repeated only one thought, _I bec ome a woman!_.

Then she saw Carisi’s concerning face and felt his kisses on her face and forehead, _Rafael Barba bec omes a woman! And the woman whose boyfriend is Carisi!_


	2. Chaos

Barba couldn’t believe he failed to reproduce the scene that made him into coma for so many times. And Carisi, he’s just like a dog with acute sense of smell. Every time Barba tried to do something dangerous, like jumping out of the window, he would show up at the right time, then saved Barba.

_Carisi is such a pain in the ass and really a half-ADA and half cop!_

But this time, this time wouldn’t fail any more. Barba smiled with full confidence, he knew Jemma’s car accident through doctors, and with some weird online psychic, he believed he got the right hint: to make another similar car-accident, then he and Jemma would exchange again.

He stood up and looked down at the street, not too much or too few cars. He just wanted to get into coma, not to kill Jemma’s body or like an idiot standing in the cars which couldn’t move. This was the right time! Carisi went to see the doctor. No one watched him.

_Rafael Barba is going back!_

Barba ran out of the hospital building and went up to the middle of the street, waiting to a driver who couldn’t response. But at that moment, Carisi chased after her.

_For god sake, this guy wouldn’t leave him alone, would he?_

“Jemma!” Carisi roared her name with an anxious and despaired look. He jumped on Jemma and embraced her in his arms, trying to pull her out of the street.

“I am not Jemma!” Barba shouted to him and struggled in his arms, “I am Rafa…”

Barba’s final word was drowned as a sudden screech of a car pulling to a hurried stop. Carisi pressed Jemma’s head to his chest and covered her with his body, turning his back to the car.

The world was silent. Then a man’s angry voice came to Carisi’s ear, “What are you two idiots doing here!”

It’s a familiar voice.

Fin took off his sun-glasses and rolled his eye-balls at Carisi and Jemma.

“Do you two get hurt?” Benson came out of the car.

“No, we are fine.” Carisi took a deep breath, then asked, “Captain, what are…”

“We got calls from Mercy’s hospital, the doctor reported there might be an abuse case of a couple.”

“I…I haven’t heard…” Carisi was confused.

“You two, Carisi.” Benson frowned.

Carisi surprised, “How is that even possible?”

“Jemma committed suicide several times, and the doctor is worried.” Benson sighed, then turned to Fin, “Take Carisi to interrogate.”

“Hey, Liv, Carisi didn’t do anything to me!” Barba tried to explain, “I just want to go back!”

Benson gave Jemma a weird look, Jemma never called her like that. Then she patted Jemma’s back lightly, said, “We know you two fought in DA’s office before. Anyway, it’s routine. Don’t worry.”

“Sorry, counselor, you have to come with me.” Fin shrugged.

Carisi shook his head and got in the car. Then he rolled down the window, “Captain, please, keep an eye on Jemma, she’s not in good place.”

When Carisi was back to hospital from NYPD, he found Jemma was sitting in the ward, alone. Somehow, he was emotional. Jemma was alone for a long time despite she had a boyfriend. He stood behind her, then said in light voice, “Thanks for saying something good for me to the squad. I know we haven’t talk to each other like this for a long time. I’ve gotten some days off, I want to be with you. Just you and me…I know you don’t want to talk to me, you even avoid eye contact with me.”

_Because your puppy eyes make me goose up. I am not your girlfriend._

“You said many times about going back. I want to go back, too, back to the time when we met at the first time…”

_For god sake, this cheesy confession would never end, wouldn’t it?_

Carisi was a little chocking, “Barba’s plane crashed, he is alive but still in coma. No one would know when he’s awake. That’s…cruel.”

_Oh, my God, I am still in coma?_

“You said you are not Jemma, I don’t know why you said so, but whoever think you are, I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you both.”

_OK, that’s enough, let’s get some real job._

Jemma turned around, looking straight at Carisi, “Can I see Barba?”

**[LA hospital]**

Barba was lying on bed. He closed his eyes and had calm breathing. All they can hear is the sound made by the medical machine. Barba’s Nana was sitting beside him, with eyes full of sadness.

“Nana!” Jemma walked up toward to Barba’s Nana, hugged Nana in her arms, and her tears fell down.

Nana and Carisi was obviously surprised by Jemma’s reaction.

“I mean, I am sorry for Barba.” Jemma took her hands away from Nana, “She must be very…”

Carisi nodded and gripped her hand. He looked at Barba, trying to hide his tears. He held Barba’s hand, feeling the little warm of his palm.

Jemma bent over to Barba and looked into his peaceful face.

_I am so handsome, and the stubbled jaw is kind of vintage style. Anyway, I am alive, but…_

“Jemma! Jemma!” croaked Jemma, in Barba’s ear, “Jemma, are you there?”

Carisi and Nana exchange a shocking look.

“Jemma! Jemma! Can you hear me?”

Barba had no reaction.

“What are you doing here?!” asked Carisi with a little anger. He pulled Jemma’s arm and dragged her from Barba. He apologized to Nana and had to take Jemma out of the ward.

“Explain yourself!” Carisi was furious, “it’s rude!”

“I am not your Jemma!” Jemma grinded her teeth, “I am Ra—” Suddenly, she stopped.

_Jemma’s soul seemed gone, she would be dead if I leave her body. If Jemma is not in my body, and I would be in coma forever, no one would believe Rafael Barba has Jemma’s face. It’s such a chaos situation I can’t make things worse. I need to calm down. I can live as Jemma for a while, then figure out what to do next. Let’s get thing step by step._

Jemma took a deep breath, then answered, “I am sorry, I just feel sad. You know I am kind of lunatic recently…”

“You are not lunatic, don’t say that.” Carisi held her in his arms.

Jemma had to stay in his arms. She rolled her eyeballs and sighed inside.

_Can you get your hands off me, Carisi!_


	3. Roommates

**[Carisi’s apartment]**

“Where is my stuff?” Jemma leaned on the couch and put her feet on the table, looking at Carisi coming back from outside. She frowned and looked around the room, with a question mark.

Carisi put the bags on the table, feeling embarrassed.

“You told me that you and Jemma…” Jemma instantly swallowed coffee to cover up the wrong word, “I mean you and I move in together, right?”

“The doctor said you may lose part of memory, never expect that part.” Carisi whispered to himself, then answered, “you moved out two months ago, remember?” Carisi took the food out of the bags, “you took all your stuff away and said you need space to…”

“So, we’ve broken up.” Jemma cut in and rolled her eyes at the ceiling.

“Yeah, yeah…” Carisi looked down and slightly nodded, “Technically, we broke up on the day you got the car accident.”

**_Thank God, I don’t have to pretend to be a sweet girlfriend anymore. Living together with Carisi? I’ve fed enough with his kisses, and sleep with him? EWWWWW. Give me a break._ **

“Then why you took me here?” Jemma stood up and grabbed her coat.

“Hey! Hey!” Carisi stepped forward to her and hold her wrist, “you can’t…”

“Can’t what?” Jemma frowned at him, “Since Jemma…I mean since I broke up with you, I should respect her…” Jemma changed the word rapidly, “My previous decision. You can’t take advantage of…h..” Jemma paused, then continued, “…my memory loss.”

**_I, I, I, My, My, My, I really need to get used to this switch._ **

“I never plan to do this.” Answered Carisi, immediately.

“So let me go.” Jemma walked toward the door.

Carisi blocked her way, “No. I won’t let you leave like this. You just recovered from a car accident, lost memory, and get traumatized, you need someone to take care of you. And I went to your place, brought some clothes and…”

“Traumatized?” Jemma sneered, then picked up her stuff and was ready to leave.

**_Oh, come on, Carisi, if this is a trauma to me, what I should call working in SVU, catastrophe?_ **

Carisi looked at her face with a nervous and anxious look, “For god sake, you jumped out the window, ran to the street and almost got another car accident, you tried to kill yourself and kept saying some ‘going back’. I won’t let you go.” Then Carisi tried to grab her stuff back.

“But no girl wants to live with her EX.”

**_No guy, either._ **

Jemma glared at Carisi out of her defiant eyes, tugging her things against Carisi.

“We can be roommates.” Carisi stared back at her, “Bedroom is yours.”

Jemma rolled her eyes, seemed to assess the situation. It’s undeniable that Carisi had a great determination to keep her, then she asked, “Coffee machine?”

“All yours.”

Jemma narrowed her eyes, “No talk?”

“OK.”

“No touch?”

“Fine.”

“No eye contact?”

Carisi got close to her face and stared to her eyes, answered, “You stare at me now.”

“Deal!” Jemma let go of her stuff before Carisi was aware. She shook her hands with an unbelieved face, “You are so strong!”

“I am professional trained, Miss.” Carisi raised his eyebrows and put her stuff down, “Now you can set up your bedroom.”

Jemma jumped into the bedroom and began to throw Carisi’s stuff out of the room.

“You sockers.” Several pairs of sockers flied out of the room, “Smelly!”

“I just washed them.” Carisi caught them in the middle of air.

“Your shaver!” Jemma stoke her chin at her own absent-mindedness.

**_Hummm, I don’t need it anymore._ **

Jemma threw it to Carisi, “It should be in the bathroom. You are a mess!”

“I forget!”

“Your watch!” A watch with its cables fell on the couch.

“Your pants!”

“Your ties!” Jemma looked at his ties and nodded.

**_Good taste, as good as mine._ **

“Your condoms,” Jemma raised her eyebrows.

**_Wow, that size!_ **

Then she smirked, throwing the boxes to Carisi, “You bought too many.”

“Because we don’t…” Carisi shook his head, “Never mind.”

“Pass. Your books! Wait…” Gemma looked down, “Interesting…Mine!”

“Your Fordham Law School T-shirt,” Jemma picked the T-shirt with a judgy look, “not fit my body…”

**_Or my reputation._ **

“but…also mine. You didn’t bring me pajamas.”

Carisi sighed, “Are we done about division of assets?”

“Luckily, we don’t have kids. I am done here.” Jemma smiled back at him, then raised one finger in the middle of the air, “So, remember, no talk, no touch, no eye contact, just roommates.”

“Fine for me.” Carisi shrugged.

Then Jemma closed her door with a loud bang.

Carisi sank into the sofa, took a deep breath, stretched. After relaxing for a few minutes, an evil grin cracked on his face, “Jemma, do you want coffee or soda?”

One.

Two.

Three.

Carisi counted in silence, then he heard Jemma’s door opened a bit, her small little words seemed to come from a crack, “Coffee.”

Carisi chuckled.

She added, “Please.”

The door closed again.

Carisi turned around, watched the door, frowning, _Coffee, huh?_

**[DA’s office]**

“Say it again?!” Jemma was standing in front of the office which belonged to the chief of Rackets Bureau. She narrowed her eyes at the Chief.

“What?” the Chief shrugged, “You quit your job! Half a month ago.”

“Then you asked me to buy you coffee when you met me twenty minutes ago and told me I did this all the time for you.” Jemma clenched teeth.

“Wow, people say you lost memory, and it’s real.” The Chief laughed out and drank the coffee, “And I did ask you to buy me coffee all the time.”

Jemma felt her anger rise and walked rapidly toward the Chief, then grabbed the coffee from his hand and showered his computer.

**_Unfortunately, I am not Jemma, and I won’t take it._ **

“What are you doing here?” the chief was shocked and stood back to stay away from the hot coffee.

“Opps, look at me, so clumsy.” Jemma raised her eyebrows and pretended to get tissues, then stretched out her hand to pour a glass of water onto the chief’s shirt, sneered, “I guess you have to fire me? Oh, I’ve already quitted my job.”

“Oh, my God.” The chief looked down at his clothes, “Are you crazy?” He got Jemma’s wrist to stop her reaching other things in case he would suffer.

“I bet you didn’t know the whole story.” Jemma stared at him, “I lost my memory and traumatized. Somehow your face, is the trigger. The Coffee and this…” She lifted her chin to reckon the Chief that her wrist which was held by him. She staring him with ruthless face, “you are on the edge of sexual harassment.”

The chief let go immediately, raising his both palms, “Sorry.”

“I want my job back!” said Jemma, with no emotion.

“You position is replaced by new ADA since you resigned, you know, the cases don’t wait.”

“Hey, Jemma,” A woman came in, “I am glad you are back.”

Jemma turned around, surprised, “Hadid!”

“You never called me like that.” Vanessa Hadid smiled.

“I mean, Mrs. Hadid.” Jemma calmed her own nerve.

“We are short of staffs.” Hadid said to the Jemma’s Chief, “since there is no opening for Jemma in your bureau, I need investigators in my team.” She turned to Jemma with mild smile, “you know ADA is not that easy to get, but the investigators, the more, the better. You were an ADA for like three months, not that competitive, and you lost memory, part of it, I mean. investigator is a right start for you, I guess.”

**_Hadid is so persuasive and pressed. Have you any idea who are you talking with? Once the best ADA in Manhattan DA’s office, now has to be an investigator. Seemed that I have no other choice, no, Jemma has no better choice._ **

Jemma nodded, “Thank you, Mrs, Hadid. I’ll accept the job.”

Jemma went out of the office, then turned back to her Chief and made a gesture warn him, mouthed, “I am watching you.”

Hadid said to her, “You teach him a lesson. Never pissed off girls. I hope you have the same spirit when work with my ADAs.”

**_Which one?_ **

“Cox,” Hadid walked into Cox’s office, “I got you a new investigator.”

A tall and handsome guy in an expensive suit came toward to Jemma, smiling, “David Cox, glad to meet you.”

**_Aha, Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken._ **

Jemma nodded unconcernedly and shook hand with him. As Cox and Hadid talked, Jemma glanced around. She saw Carisi. He leaned against the desk and his arm folded, looking at her through his office window, with mixed feelings in his eyes.

Hadid turned around to Jemma, “I know you and Carisi broke up and I hope this won’t interfere with your work. I believe you guys know which is the priority.”

“I heard you worked in organized crime as investigator for years and promoted as ADA.” Said Cox.

Jemma looked up and found the large emblem. There were several words on it, DISTRICT ATTORNEY SPECIAL VICTIM UNIT. She took a deep breath and sighed lightly.

**_Déjà vu._ **


	4. dinner

**[DA’s office]**

Jemma carried a large pile of files came through the hall. The files piled up so high that Jemma could not see the desks and chairs. As Jemma almost hit a closet, part of the files was taken by another person.

Jemma looked up and delightfully surprised, “Carmen! Hey! Thank you so much!”

Carmen helped Jemma put the files on the desk.

Jemma gave Carmen a big hug and said, “Oh, Carmen, you have no idea how great to meet a friendly face here! I haven’t seen you for years!”

Carmen was a little confused by Jemma’s enthusiastic words. She knew Jemma. When Jemma came to see Carisi, she and Jemma would chat a little bit, but they were just colleagues.

Jemma was so happy that Carmen couldn’t bears to refused her. Carmen nodded with smile, “So, you are in our unit now?”

“Kind of.”

Carmen turned around and noticed Jemma’s face, frowned.

Seeing her look, Jemma raised her eyebrows, asked, “Is there something wrong with my face?” Then she touched her face.

Carmen stopped her and cupped her face, watched a while, said, “Carisi told me that you lost memory, I never thought you don’t even remember how to wear make-up. Come with me.”

Carmen brought Jemma to bathroom and asked her to look at the mirror.

“Not bad, right?” Jemma frowned at herself in the mirror.

**_God, I tried my best. You have no idea how hard to learn makeup with the beauty blogger on YouTube. Eyebrow pencils and eye liners? I never tell them apart. And the colors of lipsticks? Are they not all red?_ **

“It’s…” Carmen took out wipes and said, “May I?”

“Sure.” Jemma closed her eyes.

Carmen erased some twisted lines and shadows on Jemma’s face, and did some changes. Then she handed the liquid eyeliner to Jemma, “It’s much easier to use, and it’s waterproof.”

Jemma was in a little daze, then she realized, “Oh, you mean I do it myself.”

“Practice makes perfect.” Answered Carmen, with a sweet smile.

**_Not for my makeup._ **

Jemma faced the mirror and took up the eyeliner with trembling hand. The eyeliner was getting closer and closer to her eyes.

**_I’ve screamed “Help” already, so loud, have you heard it, Carmen?_ **

Suddenly, Carmen held Jemma’s hand and encouraged her with a firm tune, “Believe yourself!”

**_Not this time._ **

The next moment, Jemma’s scream echoed around the whole bathroom.

The eyeline poked her eyeball.

**_I am gonna blind. Oh, my God._ **

“It’s OK, it’s OK.” Carmen gave her a big hug and calmed her nerves, “I’ll help you finish this.”

“Why do we wear makeup?” Jemma closed one eye and used the other one watching Carmen, “Is there necessity to show men a pretty face?”

“Oh, girl, did you forget everything and go back to teenage? It’s not for man. For me, I am full of energy when I wear makeup and I love myself in that mood.” Carmen picked a lipstick, then turned around, “You told me that I look sassy when wearing this color, so…” Carmen began to redden Jemma’s lips, “I hope you look sassy, too.”

Jemma looked at the mirror. The face was both new and familiar.

**_Look at me, Rafael Barba gets a new face, Jemma’s face. Believe it or not, I won’t scare myself anymore when I look in the mirror._ **

Jemma narrowed her eyes at herself.

**_Why can’t I tell the differences? Because I am a man? I guess. What should I say to her?_ **

“Much better, thank you.” Answered Jemma, nodded.

“Right?” Carmen looked at her with smiling and shinning eyes.

**_You are as lovely as you used to. Do you miss me, Carmen?_ **

“Oh, Carmen, you are so kind.” Jemma embraced her, and looked into her eyes, sighed, “How can I live without you.”

Carmen stepped back a little and said with flushed face, “Don’t look at me in that way, it’s a little creepy.”

“Sorry…”

Before Jemma finished her words, Carmen said, “Hey, if you need any help, call me, OK?” She gave Jemma a hug, then took her small bag and left.

**_Thank you, Carmen, you are always ready to help me._ **

**[Restaurant]**

Jemma sat opposite Carisi, then checked her watch, “This might be the first time you get off on time.”

“Come on, we haven’t had a dinner to celebrate your recovery. This dinner is for the lady who lived.” Carisi looked at Jemma, and found something was different from usual, “You look…”

“Look what?” Jemma titled her head, lift the corners of the mouth and a smirk was on her face.

Carisi didn’t answered. He smiled, then looked down at the menu.

“Carmen helped me put on makeup.” Jemma stared at him, “I can’t believe you don’t tell me how my face looked like. And I went to work every day with that face.”

“You look nice, with or without makeup.” Carisi looked up and answered softly.

“But not with that clown face.” Jemma rolled her eyeballs at him, then took up the menu to interrupt his eyesight, “Don’t look me in that way! No eye contacts!”

“But you look like the same to me every day.” Carisi was a little bit confused.

“Yeah! I bet the bare ass kid used the arrow to strake into your eyes.” Jemma wrinkled her nose at him.

Carisi put down the menu, supporting himself with his both elbows on the table, then grinned, “Tell me Jemma, why should I stare at your face, you said no eye contact and I do keep my words, right?”

**_Fine, you win!_ **

“I am starving!” Jemma avoid eye contact with him and took up her fork, eating angrily.

Carisi watched her, shrugged and had to fought down the laugh so hard.

As soon as Jemma held up her knife to cut the broccoli, Carisi stock out his fork to get all the broccoli back to his plate.

Jemma looked up, “Hey, that’s my…”

Carisi was a little surprised, “I remember you don’t like…Oh, do you want to have a try?”

“Never mind.” Jemma lowered her head, guiltily.

**_Should I say something to distract his attention?_ **

Then she heard Carisi’s words, and almost jumped up from the chair.

“Actually, I noticed your makeup.”

**_I knew it!_ **

Jemma threw her fork off and grinded his teeth, staring at him, “You mean to do that, right?” then said in a sarcastic tone, “Oh, Carisi, enjoying a girl with the joker face walking around the public office? That’s not the hobby, that’s a freak.”

Carisi smiled a little, “For me, if you want to wear makeup in that way, just do whatever you want, as long as you’re happy.” Carisi didn’t look at Jemma, he cut his steak and said to her in a soft and light tune, “Maybe you want to try something new after the car accident, like living another way of life. It’s all your decision, what I should do is standing by you.”

Jemma raised her eyebrows.

**_Wow, that’s touching. But I can’t let him see through me._ **

“And I saw you and Carmen…I am glad you began to make friends in our unit.”

Jemma laughed, “What you are talking about? We’re…” She bitted her lips, then added, “We get along very well.”

“That’s great.” Carisi nodded, looked at her, smiling.

The waiter came by and brought them the new wine menu. Jemma glanced. The waiter recommended several, but Jemma found a special one.

“Rum Float.” Jemma ordered, with a happy face, “Thank you.”

“Rum?” asked Carisi, raised his eyebrows.

“Aged rum, you will love it.” Then Jemma noticed his look, she realized something, “I didn’t drink alcohol before, right?” Jemma grinned awkwardly.

**_Carisi is so hard to fool._ **

Carisi shook his head lightly, hesitated, then answered, “Sometimes. But I guess it’s not bad to get new experience. And you laugh more than you used to. I am happy to see that.”

**_Why is my face burning? Is my face red? Shit, I don’t have mustache! Is he looking at me? Shut up, Carisi! You make me shy!_ **

Then Carisi continued, “Speaking of new experience, do you want to work in our unit? I saw your expression when you in Cox’s office on that day. It’s not…it looked like this place remind you of something, not good thing I guess.”

Jemma had to make a great effort to cover up her surprised look.

**_Carisi has a very keen observation, that’s scary._ **

“I guess I just think of the days we met in the unit.” Answered Jemma, calmly, “a little regret, for me.”

**_Yuk!_ **

Carisi slightly nodded, “I don’t know whether it’s right or not to ask Mrs. Hadid to transfer you to our unit. If you feel uncomfortable…”

“What?”

Carisi explained, “I told her about your situation, and I think it’s not bad idea that I can help you when you need in work.”

“You are watching me?” Jemma couldn’t believe her ears, “YOU want to HELP ME? And you think it’s not a bad idea?”

“That’s not what you think.” Carisi was nervous about her reaction, he dropped the fork and knife and leaned to Jemma, tried to calm her down, “it’s just…I know you can manage it by yourself. But…”

“Hey, kid, you’d better be careful about your words.” Jemma threw the napkin and scoop, then stood up. She bent over and stared straight at Carisi’s eyes, “I am not your girl. I don’t need a man to control me.”

“I don’t want to control you.”

“Shut up! In SVU, the next step, you will abuse and kill this girl.”

“You can’t compare me to the abuser. You never worked in SVU. It’s different if you really knew.” Carisi was angry.

“I am way much experienced than you!” Jemma sneered, “and I guess that’s why your girlfriend broke up you.” Jemma stood straight and turned around. She walked quickly to the door.

Carisi stopped her in front of the door of the restaurant.

“Can we…” Carisi sighed, feeling frustrated, he reached out his hand to hold Jemma’s arm.

Jemma shook off his hand and answered coldly, “No touch, remember?”

“Yeah.” Answered Carisi, in low voice.

“One strike.” Jemma raised her finger in the air, looking straight forward, “Three strikes, then I’ll move out.”


	5. Jemma is back

**[DA’s office]**

When Jemma carried a bunch of files to Cox’s office, Cox was drawing some lines on the glass board to analyze the case. Jemma watched the board for a while, frowned.

**_What the hell?_ **

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Then she shook her head and sighed lightly, walking out of the office.

“Hey, Jemma, thank you.” Cox said to her back and checked the files on his desk.

**_I can’t take it._ **

Jemma turned around and said a in a measured voice, “Have you noticed that fibric of the bag which contains the bodies was found in the suspect’s home.”

“Yes.” Said Cox, in a voice of contempt, raising his eyebrows, “I am writing here.” His finger circled a corner of the board.

“And was also found in his fingernails.”

“Yes, of course.” Cox’s face had a fake smile, “it’s in the report of forensic examination. And Could you close the door when you’re out of my office?”

Jemma sneered, then walked forward to him, looking straight at him, “Do you read the investigation report? The police got all the man who fitted the profile tested, and only he had that kind of fibric. After the suspect was found not guilty in the first trail and went back home, the victim’s family moved away…”

“I didn’t find the information…and the victim…”

Jemma cut him off and answered, “Because if all your work depends on these scientific reports…”

“THANK YOU, I don’t need your advice.” Cox raised his eyebrows at Jemma, “And I don’t need an ex-ADA with three months experience to teach me how to work.”

“Really, with your one-year experience you think you can handle this case?” A contemptuous smile curled the corners of Jemma’s mouth, she put hands in her pocket.

Cox narrowed his eyes, and his anger was piling up.

Jemma pointed to the board, and said, “There were scratches on the suspect’s arms. But the bodies were dumped in the river for over two days. All the information that can be identified the suspect was gone. That’s why he was set free in the first trail. If the ME found nothing two years ago, it’s highly impossible to find new trace on the bodies today. Put the body aside, right now.”

“Then you can find the causality from other evidence?” asked Cox, looked mutinous, “You just start to work on this case, you know nothing. I’ve worked on it since I’m in DA’s office and I’ve represented the people…”

“That’s why you lost the case! Follow the case with big influence is every lawyer’s instinct, I mean, the good lawyer, obviously, you are not.” Jemma responded him immediately, “You lost when you focus on the unfavorable result from the lab.”

“Oh, you think you can win? You are a good lawyer?” Cox shouted at her, with a twisted face, “Even the most terrible lawyer knows everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You just think the suspect is guilty.”

“For good sake, I can’t believe you are so stupid!” said Jemma through clenched teeth, “You are not the defender, your duty is proving guilty! You said you represent the people; does the people mean the suspect except the other people? I appreciated your selfless, but I don’t think DA’s office is suitable for you.”

“Yeah, like you were crying in your ex-boyfriend’s office?” Cox sneered, “I think you are the one who can’t handle the work in DA’s office, and I don’t know why you came back.”

Jemma didn’t know to laugh or rage, she couldn’t believe he was so gossipy, “Now, it’s time to bithy each other, huh? Do you think you can get in DA’s office and get an office on your first year without your senator father?”

“I went to Harvard!” Cox thundered.

“Shame on Harvard!” answered Jemma, lightly.

**_Shame on my alma mater._ **

Jemma gave a strange half laugh and stepped forward to Cox, watched his face, “If you call yourself a good lawyer, and I think I know what happened to the winning record of DA’s office in recent years.”

Cox squeezed every word between his teeth, “What are you…”

“Is everything OK?”

Jemma and Cox looked at the door of the office.

Carisi was there, he checked them and said, “Hey, Jemma, since you have time to worry our winning record, I need you to get an autopsy report.”

Jemma stared at Carisi.

Carisi raised his eyebrows, “Come with me, I’ll tell you which case.”

Jemma rolled her eyeballs at Cox and came out.

Carisi wrinkled his nose, lowered his voice, “You really have to say that?”

“Or what?” Jemma glanced at him, “As chief candidate, your inflated sense of self-worth gets hurt?”

Carisi shook his head, but still smiled at her, “Anyway, Mr. Carisi needs autopsy report.”

“I am not your investigator!” said Jemma, furiously, sitting on the chair.

Carisi smirked, leaned against her desk and folded his arms, “Listen, you don’t like Cox, get the autopsy report for the chief candidate, aka me, then you can get the chance to work for me.”

“Get the chance?” Jemma stared at him in an unbelievable voice, “and work FOR you? Who do you think you are?”

Carisi pretended to think for a while, then his smile broadened, “The one who can suggest Hadid to ‘promote’ you as Cox’s assistant? As you said, he has a powerful father, it’s not bad to give him some special treatment.”

Jemma’s face turned to red because of anger, she almost went to nuts. She watched Carisi like a hawk.

**_I swear to God, Carisi, if I am in SVU, I am gonna…_ **

“Go, get the report, the case won’t wait.” Carisi reminded her, checking his watch, “I need it before 6 o’clock.” He left her desk and walked to his office.

Jemma’s fists clenching, she roared her anger inside.

**_You should be more ambitious, Jemma! You worked in DA’s office for years and should have been an outstanding ADA!_ **

She grabbed her bag and rushed out. Then she heard Carisi’s said after her in a delightful tone, “Be safe, Jemmaaaaa” Carisi drew his voice.

**[ME office]**

When Melinda Warner looked for the report for Jemma, Jemma sat beside the desk, feeling the random pain from her belly. She didn’t know what happened, but her face became whiter and whiter.

Warner came to her with the report and found her face was pale. Warner asked with a worried tone, “Jemma, are you all right?”

**_It’s all because of Cox and Carisi! God, I am gonna destroy them when I am back._ **

“I don’t know.” Jemma shook her head, “my belly kills me, and I also get backache.” She held her head up with both hands.

Warner gave her a cup of water. After a few seconds, Warner asked in a lower voice, “Did you just start your period?”

“What?” Jemma astonished.

**Oh, crap! You must be kidding me!**

“I bet this is not your first period. Why so surprised?” Warner looked at her, smirked.

**_Because I am a man! Yes, yes, I know I have a woman’s body, but I am a man. A MAN! I shouldn’t…never mind. Nothing makes sense till now._ **

Jemma was frustrated. She had to press her belly to alleviate her pain.

**_It’s really hurts. It’s so hard to be a woman. Jesus, I have to work with the pain every month? I want to cry. Don’t cry, don’t cry. I am so emotional. Is it because of hormone? Gosh, I’ve already missed my own body._ **

** FIND PAINKILLER. **

“Thank you.” Jemma held on the desk to stand up. “Painkiller…painkiller…” She murmured, took a deep breath and looked around. Then her hair stood on end. There was no one in the office. She didn’t know when Warner went out.

** FIND PAINKILLER. **

The second time, the familiar voice.

**_Jemma?_ **

“Jemma, is it you?” Jemma stepped back to a corner and looked up to the ceiling, said in a terrified voice, “Are you a ghost? Don’t joke me in this way, Jemma, at least, not in ME office.”

No one responded her.

Jemma waited for a few minutes, “Are you mad at me, for possessing your body? But it’s not my idea…”

“Who are you talking to?” Warner pushed the door open and walked in, smiled, “It’s not funny to talk to air in ME office.”

**_Tell me about it._ **

“I talked to myself.” Answered Jemma. She hid her fear by cleaning up the books on the test bench. Then she asked, “Do you have painkiller?”

“Yeah, ask a ME for painkiller, you really find the right person.” Warner raised her eyebrows with a naughty smile.

Jemma bite her lips, then nodded and answered, “Yeah, on the second thought, it’s a little sarcastic. No offence, but I am sure your clients don’t need painkiller.”

Warner shook her head and smiled, “Just kidding. I’ve gotten some painkiller and tampons for you from other girls.” She put them on the bench.

Jemma took the pills, put the tampons and report in her bag and was ready to leave. Warner stopped her, “Your pants!”

“What?” Jemma was a little freak out when she saw Warner was frowning eyebrows.

“You got blood on your pants.” Answered Warner in a gently voice. She took the coat on the chair and gave it to Jemma, “Worn it round the waist. No one would see it. Go home, I can drop by DA’s office and give the report to Carisi, you need to clean up yourself and have a good rest.”

**[Carisi’s apartment]**

Carisi got message from Jemma when he was in the meeting. Jemma said she was so tired and had to go back earlier. So, when Carisi was back home, Jemma fell asleep in an exhausted condition. Usually, the bedroom door was closed when Jemma slept, but tonight, the door was off latch.

Seemed Jemma was too tired to lock the door. Carisi shook his head, reached out his hand to close the door. But he stopped. Jemma laid on the bed, sleeping in a deep dream. Carisi didn’t get the chance to look carefully at Jemma for a long time. She wore a weird sleep mask. It’s big cartoon eyes, widely open, but she wore it when she was asleep. He had never seen it, but it’s so funny. Carisi chuckled and didn’t make any sound. Jemma was a little different from before. Recently, she was a little mean, aggressive and rude, no, not a little, but a lot of. However, she is much direct, happier and braver. Maybe it’s not bad for her to lose some memory. He really hoped he can keep Jemma in such condition as long as he can. It was a quiet night with moonlight reaching into her room. Carisi leaned against her doorframe and watched her with gently smile, feeling a soft wave was sweeping through his whole heart.

But Jemma didn’t sleep well. She fell in a dream where she was sitting in a taxi. She looked around. From the back window of the taxi, she could see the building of DA’s office. Carisi was standing in front of the building and trying to get a taxi. Then she turned around and looked at the window of her side. At that moment, a big truck rushed at the taxi at high speed. She instinctively glanced at the license plate of the truck, there was no license plate. The next moment, the truck crashed to her taxi with a loud noise.

Jemma woke up from the dream in a sudden. Her breathing was quick and shallow. She was freaked out by her dream. She took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom. Carisi was still sitting on the sofa and busy with his laptop. He heard the noise and turned around, said in gently voice, “Bad dream? Need anything?”

“It’s midnight.” Answered Jemma, hazily.

“The last document tonight, almost done.” Carisi stood up and stepped to the fridge. He passed a soda to Jemma and got himself whisky.

Jemma put the soda on the kitchen counter, watched Carisi put the ice in his glass, asked, “The car accident, I mean my car accident. Did the cops find the driver?”

“I never mentioned the details of the car accident to you, right? Do you remember anything?” Carisi poured the wine in his glass, “It’s a big truck with no license plate. The driver hit your taxi and ran. When the cops found the truck, the driver abandoned it and we can’t find him. The truck was also stolen from a factory.”

**_It all fits the dream._ **

“So, it was some sort of hit and run.” Jemma nodded.

“At least, the traffic police said so.”

Jemma seized his glass and took a long gulp of whisky.

**_You are back, Jemma. If the dream means you want to say something, then tell me._ **

Jemma turned around and took the whisky with her.

Carisi frowned at her back, then raised his voice, “Jemma, do you remember your parents?” He hesitated, then continued, “I just don’t want you to regret when your memory is back.”

All her mind was in great confusion. A man drank and roared in a room. His face and eyes were red. A mid-aged woman’s crying face was appeared in the hospital, the doctors pushed a body covering a white sheet. She seemed to get a strong smell of wine in the air.

**_Oh, God. Jemma’s father died drunk. She would never drink._ **

Jemma rubbed her forehead, put the wine on the counter and said in a low voice, “I need sleep.”

“Good night,” Carisi watched her walking into bedroom and closing the door, “Roommate.”


	6. The New ADA

**[DA’s office]**

Carisi stopped by Jemma’s desk and looked at her, frowning. Jemma texted someone, giggling; her laptop didn’t even open. He put the files on her desk and bent down, “Can you and Carmen stop talking about me?”

Jemma glanced at him, “Don’t be so narcissistic, Mr. Carisi.”

“Really?” answered Carisi, “You and Carmen are texting each other since you arrived and you two sweep my office from time to time. So, do you dare to show me your phone?”

**_Guilty._ **

“Carmen, she is cute, isn’t she?” Jemma became quite animated and asked Carisi with a big smile.

Carisi didn’t answered, but with a look of pleasant commiseration. Then he changed the subject, “So, Cox fired you?”

“I fired him.” Jemma put the phone down and looked up, “What’s your point, Counselor Carisi?”

Carisi smiled, “Tell me about the autopsy report you brought me on that day.”

“Now I am working with you?” Jemma narrowed her eyes at him.

“For me.” Carisi corrected.

Jemma thought for a while, “No, thank you. I’ve applied for a new case in the system. And now, I am enjoying this short break. See my forehead---” She moved her face close to Carisi, “Have you seen anything?”

“What?”

“DO NOT DISTURB.” She blinked at him, then took up the phone and continued texting.

Carisi smirked, “Why don’t you turn on your laptop and check the reply.”

Jemma shot one of her suspicious looks at Carisi. She turned on the laptop and logged in the system. She found her application was passed and got a new case. Jemma looked up at Carisi and asked with an unbelievable face, “You applied for an investigator?”

“Yep. And you get a new case. Win-win.” Carisi had smug look, “Have you seen the name whose charges your new case? Surprise! Dominik Carisi. Thank you for working FOR me, roommate.”

Jemma tried to smile but twist it out an awkward look, then she whispered, “Why are you always in the same team with me?”

Carisi smirked, “Torturing you? And not always, this is the second time.” He patted the files, “These are the case files, and the suspect was bailed out. I need more evidence to...”

As he said, a large and powerful man in the suit was walking in the office. Hadid and some colleagues stepped forward to make small talk with him. Jemma surprised, “Wow, the famous James Choo. Why is he here? Isn’t him in Chicago?”

“Hadid told me Choo will work here for a while, temporary transfer.” Answered Carisi, without expression or emotion.

Jemma noticed his change. She teased, “Seems you are not the only one chief candidate.”

Carisi looked her back with a little confusion. However, before Carisi said something, Choo was walking to them and greeting.

Choo stood in front of Jemma with a tender smile. Jemma didn’t know why he smiled in that way. “Nice to see you, Mr. Choo.” She reached out her hand and was ready to shake with him. But Choo stepped forward and hugged Jemma in his arms, then said, “I miss the days you call me Jimmy. Thank god, you are fine.”

Jemma winked at Carisi, mouthed at him, “what’s wrong with him?” Carisi didn’t speak. He just shook hands with Choo, then went back to his office.

“Jemma, I am so happy to know you are back and now in SVU.” Choo kept watching Jemma, “So many years, finally, I think...”

Jemma felt Carisi’s depression. She simply talked with Choo, then swept back to Carisi’s office. Carisi was staring at document, brow wrinkled.

Jemma asked, “Seriously? You are so competitive…”

Carisi sighed lightly, “It’s not because…” Carisi stopped and avoided eye contact with Jemma.

Then Jemma realized, “Why he hugged me? Are we old friends or something?”

“You really don’t remember?” Carisi put the document down and took a deep breath, “He was your boyfriend in Chicago Law School. Does it ring a bell?”

**_Wow, are there any more Jemma’s exes here? They can throw a party in Manhattan DA’s office._ **

Jemma shook her head.

“You were together much longer than we were,” Carisi gave her a sour grin, “I am glad you still remember me.”

“Because you are important to me.” Answered Jemma without hesitation.

Carisi was a little surprised by Jemma’s decisive answer. He nodded.

“So, anything more about me and Choo I should know?” asked Jemma.

Carisi rolled his eyes at Jemma, “I don’t want to talk about your ex with you.”

“You are my ex, too.”

Carisi stood up and turned to find newspaper to cover himself.

Jemma smirked, “OK, I get it. No more Choo. I’m getting on with my work.”

Carisi stopped her when she went out of office, “Do you really mean it?”

Jemma turned around.

Carisi said very quickly in lower voice, “I mean you said I am important…”

Jemma looked at him. She saw Carisi was sitting her room, helped her tag the files, analyze and write down the key points of the cases. Carisi kissed her forehead, “You can be a good ADA, why not give a try?”

**_Oh, Carisi, you are the one to encourage Jemma to be an ADA._ **

“Yes,” Jemma smiled and answered firmly, “You mean a lot to me.”

**_We worked together in SVU for years and you once sat beside me on the plaintiff’s table. I encouraged you to be an ADA, and you made it. I always remember your gratitude. And we were also opponents on the court, I am happy and proud to see you win. We discuss cases and drink together. We both fight for justice. Seeing your every step of way, I feel so lucky to participate in your life. We are enemies, but more than that, we are best friends. Now, you take good care of me. Yes, Carisi, you mean a lot to me._ **


	7. Fear

**[SVU, NYPD]**

“So, you and Carisi,” Rollins handed over all the case files to Jemma, “Get back together?”

“No.” Jemma checked the list.

Kat cut in, “But you two still live together, right?”

“Yes.” Jemma nodded, but her eyes focus on the list.

Fin wrinkled his nose, “Let me get this straight. You two moved in together before, then broke up, then still live together---”

“Then Jemma transfers to Carisi’s unit---” Kat offered quickly.

Fin continued, “Then work with Carisi.”

“Exactly.” Jemma borrowed some notes from Rollins to tag the files.

“Wow, I can’t understand you young people.” Fin shook his head, “Are you sure you two really broke up?”

“Quite sure.” Jemma winked at Fin, “Or we wouldn’t work in the same unit. Yes, I’ve read the latest version of protocol.”

Thinking for a few seconds, Kat jumped into conclusion, “Friends with benefit. It’s quite normal.”

“No way!” Jemma raised her head from files immediately, “Only roommates.”

Fin asked, still puzzled, “I understand you live together, work in the same unit, roommates, like you said. But do you two have to work with each other? You have other ADAs in your unit.”

“I don’t understand, either.” Jemma smirked.

“Because she let herself go too far, she needs a sheep dog.” Carisi strode quickly to them, “Hey roommate, are you done?”

Jemma stepped to Carisi’s side, whispered uncertainly, “Are you trying to insult me or yourself?”

“Yeah, I failed this.” Carisi nodded, then he turned to others, “Since you guys are so interested in our relationship, Fin, Rollins, mind to come with us? There is something about the case we all should know.”

They walked into Benson’s office, Benson took off her glasses, sighed, “The immediate family of the victim want to reach settlement.”

“Who?” asked Rollins, surprised.

“Precisely, the victim’s parents and the driver’s company.”

“How will they reach settlement?” Fin felt a little angry, “The victim’s brother even blamed on the company for his sister’s death, on social media. He loves his sister. Everyone supports him.”

Carisi answered, “As far as I know, the company is going to be on the market. They don’t want the scandal to spread, it may affect their value.”

“They can’t reach settlement, right, Carisi?” asked Rollins.

“The case is moved to DA’s office,” answered Carisi, “We’ll handle this.”

**[The crime scene]**

Jemma and Carisi got off the car and walked through the darkened street. They barely saw the street lights. Jemma looked around and asked, “Do you have to come with me? You said you are very busy.”

“It’s 3:00 A. M.,” Carisi checked his watch, “And I am not busy right now.”

Jemma tried to say something, but Carisi cut her off, “I don’t want to argue with you, call me your babysitter or whatever you want, just get to work, OK?”

“Sheep dog!” Jemma turned around in a sudden and held her flashlight up straight Carisi’s eyes. Carisi had to cover his face and go back a few steps.

“Let’s split up!” Jemma shouted and ran to the other side of the road.

Jemma walked alone along the street, watched every allay in the dark end. It’s so quiet, she could hear her own breath. A strange feeling came out. There was no safe camera on this street, only a few street lights. It’s 3 am, the exact victim’s time of death. She remembered the record in autopsy report. The victim fell from the truck window, and her head dropped on the ground first. That’s her cause of death. What happened to the victim, why did she jump out of the window? It didn’t make sense. The victim must be so scared that she had to take such desperate action. She wanted to live, she wanted help. And Jemma, standing where the victim had been, could feel the same fear.

**_I never feel in this way. Like…I can really feel the fear of the victim. This street is full of danger. There must be some horrible things happened._ **

There was the sound of feet quite close by. Jemma was nervous. A thought came up.

** HIDE! NOW! **

Jemma wore the hat of the hoodie to cover her face and walked into a corner. She stared at the direction of the sound, but it was so dim. She hoped the guy didn’t discover her.

A light hit her.

“Who are you?”

Jemma didn’t answer.

“Hey, lady, what are…”

Jemma stepped back a little and stared hard at the big guy. Her fists clenched and her heart beat so fast.

“A cop!” The sound was a little disappointed with awe.

Jemma looked down and found her badge at her waist was reflecting the light.

The guy swept away very quickly. It’s the badge of DA’s office, the guy must confuse, but it’s enough to protect her. Jemma took a deep breath and spent a while came to herself.

**_What did I do? I forgot what I am doing, I only remember I am a woman walking on this streetat 3:00 am. The fear, the insecure, they are all monsters in the dark, waiting for a chance to swallow me. This is Jemma wants me to feel. This is her instinct, her subconscious._ **

A car’s light flashed again and again behind her.

Jemma turned around, it’s Carisi’s truck. She got in the car and didn’t speak a word.

“Are you all right, roommate?” asked Carisi, he found Jemma was jumpy. He pulled over the car.

“I…I…”

Carisi had to pull her hat down, then found a cold sweat across her brow. Carisi frowned and asked in a soft voice, “What happened? Have you found something? Tell me, OK? You can tell me anything, just like before.”

Jemma glanced at him, “Are you afraid of walking on this street?”

“A little,” Carisi shrugged, “but…you are scared?”

Jemma looked down.

**_I wish I never know that fear._ **

“I know I am right to come with you.” Carisi sighed and shook his head lightly.

**_This world is so different in Jemma’s and Carisi’s eyes._ **

Then Jemma said, “If I am the victim, I might do the same thing.”

“No camera, no light, remote from city, good place to commit crime.” Carisi nodded, “I drove the suspect’s route, guess what? If the driver braked when he found the victim was on the window, she wouldn’t die.”

“And her head wouldn’t be the first part to hit on the ground.” Added Jemma, lightly.

“The driver did something.” Carisi raised his eyebrows, “The warrant is on the way.”

**[DA’s office]**

“Mr. Carisi, I don’t know why you arrest my client.” Asked Mr. Buchanan with a fake smile. He was the defender of the suspect, “I believe you’ve read all the record of police. My client didn’t do anything.”

“The victim just overreacted, right?” Carisi sneered, he smoothed out the record, “As the suspect said, he got the order online, waited the victim for a long time to move all her stuff on the truck, which might delay his other orders and get a fine from his company. He asked the victim whether she need other service on the road, but the victim refused.”

“And my client was a little angry, you know, he can’t get tips. They had a fight, but the victim felt to be threatened, so she jumped out of the window.” Buchanan completed the story.

“What did he say?” asked Carisi.

Buchanan spread his hands, “I don’t want to repeat those swear words, especially we have a lady here.”

“Try me,” Jemma raised her eyebrows, “See if you client screams at me until I jump out the window of DA’s office.”

“You know,” Buchannan explained, “Everyone feels different when they heard the dirty words.”

“Like in a small, closed space…” Carisi looked at Jemma.

“Truck cage.” Jemma explained.

“With a man…”

“6 feet 2 inches high, over 220 ponds.” Added Jemma.

Carisi continued, “At a special time…”

“3 am.” Said Jemma, slowly and clearly.

Buchanan protested, “It’s the victim’s order, OK?”

Carisi nodded to Buchanan to affirm his statement. However, Carisi didn’t stop, “but at a special place…”

Jemma taunted, “your client drove away from the fixed route and to a remote place.”

“No camera.” Carisi added.

“Very few streetlights.” Jemma frowned her eyebrows at Buchanan.

“Then your client had a fight with the victim.” Carisi leaned toward to Buchanan, “Guess what did he say?”

Buchanan took a deep breath, then answered with a little contempt, “Again, my client’s words didn’t cause her death. She jumped out of the window; the victim’s death is an accident. I feel sorry for her, but it doesn’t mean my client is guilty.”

“You want to know the cause of death?” Carisi wore a half smile, “The victim’s head hit the ground first, she had fatal injuries on her head, that’s the c.o.d.”

“Tell me, Mr. Buchanan,” Jemma looked at Buchanan, smirked, “When you jump out of a car, will you try to use your head as a buffer?”

Buchannan didn’t answer.

Jemma didn’t give him a chance to catch a breath, “When does a man’s head hit the ground first, in normal situation?”

“When he is defenseless.” Answered Carisi, watching Buchanan’s face turned to red.

Jemma exchange a look with Carisi, said, “But as Buchanan’s client said, the victim was on the truck window and she’s so nervous that she tried to escape from the suspect.”

“Someone pushed her behind her back.” Carisi’s eyes iced.

Buchanan opened his mouth.

“Withdraw.” Said Jemma lightly. She raised her eyebrows at Buchanan, defiant.

“It's nasty speculation that's based on the bias.” Buchanan stood up and collected his files.

Carisi answered, “Then tell you client, we will meet him with grand jury.”

Carisi and Jemma watched Buchanan going out of the office with rage. Carisi sighed lightly, “We had much work to do.”

Jemma nodded, “We ask for it.”

Carisi smiled, handed a cup of coffee to her, “You sound like a deliberate procurator today. I always know you can be a good ADA. And you and me, are we in that much sync?”

Jemma didn’t answer, she watched Carisi, shook her head lightly, then smiled.

**_I know, because I am Rafael Barba, silly._ **


	8. The law is reason free from passion

**[Carisi’s office]**

Carisi came in with a paper bag and put it on the desk. He looked at Jemma and found she was a little depressed. He patted Jemma’s shoulder, “Have you found something?”

“Do you know why the victim chose to move at 3 am?” Jemma flicked through the case file.

Carisi kept in silence and waited for her answer.

“She was a girl from a small town in Montana. She found a job in New York. Her company has strict rules for employee. She had to move at night, so there was no absence, and she wouldn’t late for work on the next day.” Jemma sighed.

“Life is not easy.” Carisi sat down and began to read the document.

Jemma took out her notebook and said, “I interviewed her brother, the reason she worked so hard is that her brother owes a debt. She wanted to help him.”

Carisi nodded, “That’s why she refused the service the suspect offered. She even carried all her stuff on the truck by herself. She just wanted to save money.”

“Who knows a girl like her would get killed for trying so hard to live.” Jemma rubbed her temples.

Carisi agreed with a deep sigh. Then he stood up and took the food out of bag. He said to Jemma lightly, “you need to eat something, try this.”

Jemma took it with pleasant surprise, “Frita?”

“Cuban hamburger. Hope you like it.”

**_I love it!_ **

She took a great bite of the frita.

He looked at her with a soft smile on his lips and in his eyes.

“Hey, Carisi, will you charge him with second degree of murder?” asked Jemma, while eating.

Thinking for a while, Carisi answered, “Yeah, that will be a safer way to go.”

“Safer way?” Jemma narrowed her eyes and detected something.

Carisi put his food down, “The suspect drove to a complete strange place against the victim’s will and hold her in his truck cage for…”

“Long enough to cause fear.” Jemma listened very carefully, “It’s kidnapping.”

“First degree of murder.” Carisi paused, then continued, “But it’s a long shot.”

“Don’t let the suspect get away with punishment. The victim must feel extreme fear when she was in the truck. No one came for her. She just wanted to live.” Anxiety and worries were full of Jemma’s eyes, she took Carisi’s hands and squeezed.

**_Please, Carisi, if I can’t sit at the table, please, help the victim; bring the suspect to the justice._ **

Carisi looked hard at her, nodded and hold back her hands to soothe her.

Suddenly, his phone rang.

It’s Fin. He asked Carisi to check the social media, “all the content about the case was deleted on the social media. The victim’s brother also deleted.”

Carisi said to Jemma immediately, “Check the social media and the bank account of victim’s brother.”

Then Carisi’s landline was ringing. Jemma picked it up. Then she said to Carisi, “It’s Hadid, she wants to see you.”

**[Hadid’s office]**

As soon as Carisi walked to Hadid’s office, Hadid stood up and introduced the guests to Carisi. Carisi nodded to them. The victim’s brother, the lawyer of the suspect’s company, Carisi knew things wouldn’t work as he expected.

Seeing Carisi didn’t speak, Hadid started, “So, Mr. Carisi, the lawyer of the company wanted to have a talk with you.”

The lawyer smiled, “The thing is our company will be go public recently, you know, any negative news will affect our value and our shareholders don’t want to see a low issuing price.”

“Negative news?” Carisi pretended in lost, “Like what?”

“You know, our employees, like a driver, committed violent crime.” Answered the lawyer.

Carisi leaned against the desk, sneered, “Yeah, you should write that risk in your prospectus. No, that’s not your concern.”

“What…”

“You know what?” Carisi continued with an extremely grave, “This case, it reveals the fact that your company doesn’t set up monitoring system on the trucks, which is the highest risk to decide the value of your company. That’s why the suspect claimed that he didn’t do anything and was bailed out. You are trying to cover up this news, right?”

Hadid’s office had long, awkward silence.

Carisi’s phone buzzed. He took out and found a message from Jemma: _0.5 million is into her brother’s account this morning. He has no debt now._

Carisi snorted and turned to the victim’s brother, “So, why are you here? Do you want to speak for your sister?”

“I…” The eyes of the victim’s brother rolled, he was trying to find a reasonable explanation, “I just want to say. The driver and my sister, they all worked hard, it’s just a sad accident, and our family forgives him.”

Carisi stared at him, said with a great rage, “After you’ve got 0.5 million dollars and deleted all the content about your sister on the social media, who give you the right to forgive, or, who ask you to forgive? And who told you it’s an accident? It’s not up to you!”

“Hey, dude, my sister died, I am also sad, OK?” the victim’s brother stood up, “Just make her death worth it.”

Carisi showed him the transfer record of his account which sent by Jemma. Carisi grind his teeth, “So, that’s your price for her life.”

Hadid had to answered, “OK, gentlemen, I think you’ve all made your points. You guys can go back. Mr. Carisi and I need to talk.”

After the victim’s brother and the lawyer left, Hadid asked Carisi, “What’s your deal?”

“I don’t want a deal,” Carisi said firmly, “I want to go to trial.”

“What’s the charge?”

Carisi thought for a moment, then answered clearly, “Kidnapping, first degree of murder.”

Hadid folded her arms, then gave a sneering smile, “You've gotta be kidding me. We all know unless you can make the suspect confess on the court, even the second degree of murder is not the safe card. You have to get past the grand jury, not mention the victim’s family accepted the compensation from the company. It will be a big leverage to the judge.”

“So, we just let the suspect go?” Carisi shook his head.

“Listen, we all feel sorry for the victim. But the company is part of the economic revitalization plan and has strong connection with the big guns in government, or else it wouldn’t go to public in such short time with a great risk which you’ve already found. DA’s office has a lot of pressure.” Hadid paused, “You are an accomplished ADA, I don’t want to repeat the fact that every law school student get to know in their first lesson. The procurators do not represent the interests of the victim…”

Carisi interrupted her words, “We represent the People. The victim is not the People?”

Hadid answered coldly, “Restoring order is our first priority. You must hear what Edmund Burke said, ‘good order is the foundation of all things.’ Don’t make the case too big to deal.” She softened a bit, “Mr. Carisi, you work as an ADA for years, I am glad to see you still maintain enthusiasm to cases. But don’t let indignation go your head.”

**[Meeting room]**

When Jemma burst into the meeting room, Carisi and Buchanan reached a plea agreement. Buchanan shook hands with Hadid. Then he turned around and stretched out his hand to Carisi, smiling. Carisi didn’t move. He glanced at Buchanan, with an expressionless face.

“Okay.” Buchanan murmured and left with his client.

Carisi stood up and walked to Jemma’s side. He licked his cracked lips, whispered to Jemma, “Finally, you come…I am waiting for you…I am tired…”

Hadid stepped towards Carisi, “DA’s office should consider the big picture, work for the greater good. You did great.”

Jemma watched Hadid walked out of the meeting room and asked Carisi, “What’s the deal?”

“Misdemeanor.”

Jemma was shocked, “What?”

“One year, two years probation.” Answered Carisi, hoarsely.

“That’s your offer for the victim’s life?” Jemma stared at him, with angry tears sparkling in her eyes.

“No, it’s not!” Carisi raise his voice, “It’s…you know it’s hard…”

“And you didn’t even try to…”

“I’ve tried!” Carisi watched her in an urgent look, “Believe me, I’ve tried! It’s just so many…”

“You just did what DA’s office ask you to, right?” Jemma frowned at him, “You have no idea what the victim suffered when she was dead. She was threatened and tried to escape. She screamed help but no one responded, then she was pushed out of the window by the suspect, laid on the street alone at 3 am and waiting for her own death. Do you have any idea how terrified and despair for a girl in that situation?”

“I know, I do know! I have sisters and nieces. I would never let things like that happened to them.” Carisi’s voice broke on the last word. He took a deep breath, “If I can’t make the suspect confess on the court, no one will get punishment, then I will fail the victim. I will fail you.”

“How did they accept the money?” Jemma’s eyes were shining with tears, “She was their daughter and sister.”

“I know. I know…” Carisi got close to her. His face became intent and sorrowful.

“You don’t know!” Jemma shouted at him.

**_You don’t know, Carisi. You are not them; you are not women._ **

Jemma covered her face with hands. She said in a constricted voice, “I guess I am the only one who feels sorry for her.”

“That’s unfair!” Carisi gazed misty-eyed into her, “I was a cop. Do you think I don’t know how upset you are? Do you think I don’t know how frightened the victim went through all these?”

“Well, you are an ADA now.” Jemma took a deep breath, “Congratulations, on your winning record. It’s a small one, but you passed Hadid’s chief candidate test.” Said Jemma, coldly, “You know what, you really are more qualified to be an ADA than me.”

Carisi closed his eyes and sighed in a deep distress.

Jemma stepped out of the meeting room. She sat back at her desk, losing her train of thought. She stared at the huge emblem in the hall: SEPCIAL VICTIM UNIT, DA’S OFFICE. She mournfully left here years ago, then went back for a coincidence. However, things never changed. She broke heart again and again for the victims in the cases. Ethics and laws, she couldn’t find a way out. She remembered someone said, in civilized life, law floats in a sea of ethics.

Her thought was disturbed by the phone. She checked the phone. It’s a message from Choo: _have a dinner with me tonight?_

Jemma frowned, then looked up, Carisi was back to his own office, his door and window closed. However, Choo was smiling at her at the other side of the hall.


	9. Run to you

**[DA’s office]**

Jemma walked to Carmen’s desk with some snacks. Carmen ripped off the pack and looked up at her, “You and Carisi still don’t talk to each other?”

“We don’t even meet each other.” Answered Jemma, frowned, “I even don’t know when he leaves for work and comes back.”

“See, that’s called ‘break up’, sweetheart.” Carmen nodded at her, “How is your date with Choo? He still has feelings for you, I can tell.”

“I don’t date with him.” Answered Jemma, in disgust.

“Yeah, I guess it’s weird to live with an ex while dating with another ex.” Carmen looked around and lowered her voice, “But I heard Choo’s investigator said when you refused Choo’s dinner, he was very disappointed.”

“Hey, Carmen.”

Jemma and Carmen looked at the direction of the voice. It’s Carisi.

Carisi looked rather busy and exhausted. He just glanced at them and looked down at the documents, said, “Would you help me find the files of No. 43 case? Some of them are missing.”

Jemma frowned, “Why he asks you to do that?”

Carmen answered, “Cox suddenly resigned and left a big mess. He didn’t even tell anyone before he left, and on next day, his father’s secretary called DA’s office. He had five cases, at least. Hadid asked Carisi to take over the most of Cox’s cases. You know we are short of staffs, so…” Carmen shook her head and went to the file room.

It’s almost off time, Jemma received a message from Choo’s dinner invitation again. Before she reply it, Carmen finished the work and went back to Jemma. Jemma handed a cup of coffee to Carmen, “Why so long? Have you guys finished yet?” Jemma glanced at Carisi’s office and surprised found he still buried in work.

“Thanks for Cox, the trial date of one case is tomorrow morning.” Said Carmen, gruffly, “No one knows until the court clerk called Carisi three hours ago.”

Jemma’s face puckered.

Carmen sighed, “I helped Carisi compiled files and contacted the witnesses, he asked me to get off work and he will work with the case by himself. I guess it’s prosecutors’ habit, they need to be alone to think about the case.”

Jemma nodded.

“Hey, want to go with me?” asked Carmen.

“I…” Jemma bit her lip and took one glance at Carisi’s office, hesitated to find a reasonable excuse to refuse. Then she found Choo was waving and smiling at her, “I…” Jemma said with an awkward look.

Carmen looked along Jemma’s eyes, smirked, “Seriously, Choo?”

Choo walked to Jemma.

“Yeah.” Jemma pursed her lips.

“Good luck, girl.” Carmen winked at Jemma, then left.

**[Restaurant]**

Jemma had to have dinner with Choo. However, she was on pins and needles in the Restaurant with Choo. After Jemma took memory loss as an excuse to reject joining in Choo’s recollection of “good old days” in law school, Choo tried even more to recall the years they had been together in order to help Jemma get her memory back. He almost drove Jemma crazy.

**_Jemma, where are you? Why your love story sounds so corny especially from Choo?_ **

Anything tasted like eating carpet for Jemma. She checked her watch when Choo remembered their first kiss with great affection.

 **It’s almosteight o’clock. If I leave now, it will be nine o’clock when I go back DA’s office.** **_Not too late, I guess._**

“Hey, Choo,” Jemma smiled, then stood up, “I have to go, my stomach feels funny, I need to go home.”

“Are you all right?” answered Choo, “I can drive your home.”

“No, thank you. I’ve called uber.” Jemma forced a smile and went to the door.

“You can cancel it.” Choo followed her, “I can take care of you when we are home.”

**_Sorry, Jemma, I have no intention to break your ex-boyfriend’s heart._ **

Jemma turned around and smiled like the Cheshire cat, “Sorry, I live with my another ex-boyfriend, Mr. Carisi, who is also your colleague.”

Choo’s smile froze on his face.

Unfortunately, Jemma caught the traffic jam when she had 3 kilometers away from DA’s office. She anxiously checked her phone again and again, stretched her neck to look at the car flow. The driver asked, “Are you in a hurry?”

“Yeah.” Answered Jemma, frowned, “how long it will take to arrive at DA’s office?”

“45 minutes? Or one hour? Or hours?” the driver shook his head, “it’s in Manhattan, who knows.”

**_Thank you, you are very helpful._ **

Jemma paid to the taxi driver and took off the car. The car flow seemed endless, but she had a better solution. She took a deep breath. 3 millimeters, 20 minutes tops. Jemma ran through the net of darkness mixed with streetlights and car lights. The night wind was chilly on her face, which made her mind fresher.

**_Oh, Carisi, I know you need me. I just can’t believe one day I would run to you._ **

**[Carisi’s office]**

Jemma stopped at the door of hall. She held the wall, gasping.

**_My knees are fine. My eyes are fine. Except the fast heartbeat, everything is fine. Jemma is in good health. OK, be cool, don’t let Carisi see me through._ **

Carisi looked up when he heard the noise. He froze for an instant, then said, “Oh, I saw you left with Choo.”

Jemma shrugged, “I am back now.”

“What about Choo?” Carisi still confused.

“Not your business.”

“Okay…”

Jemma raised her eyebrows, and cut him off, “Do you want to continue this meaningless conversation? Because I can do this all night. Or do you want to go back work?”

Carisi nodded. He moved a bunch of files to the front, said, “You can start with these.”

Jemma sat down and took up the documents.

Carisi watched her, then asked, “So, are we good?”

Thinking for a few seconds, Jemma narrowed her eyes at him, “I’ll get to you later. No hurry.”

Carisi chuckled.

Jemma spent an hour to finish reading the case file. She drew a mind map and checked it with the details on Carisi’s board.

“So, it looks like a statutory rape,” Jemma looked up at Carisi, “But our victim was involved age fraud.”

“Yeah.” Carisi nodded, “The suspect adopted a girl, the victim, who claimed her age is 12 when she was adopted. Not a legal adoption, just an adoption agreement between the suspect and the victim’s mother. Then he lived with the victim and her mother for almost 4 year as a supporter, and left them one years ago. Now the girl complains to police and said she was raped when the suspect lived with them.”

Jemma frowned, “Living with foster child and the birth mother? Not stepfather, weird.”

“Here is the tricky part.” Carisi stood next to his board, pointed to the sticky note, “The suspect admitted he had sex relationship with the victim, but denied rape. The evidence found the police and submitted by the defender show that the victim was 20 when she was adopted. The mother and the victim knew it.”

“So, generally speaking, the suspect adopted and raped a girl who the suspect thought was under 15, actually, he raped an adult woman.” Jemma raised her eyebrows.

“But nothing changed the fact that the suspect is pedophile.” Answered Carisi with certainty, “I’ll accuse him of statutory rape.”

Jemma dived into the files and said, “So, we had the medical examiner's report, it showed bruises and scars on the victim, the photos when the victim was raped, both of which means the suspect used violence and raped the victim. But the report was 3 years ago, the photos was just naked suspect, beside these two, the victim had no other proof, what’s worse, the defender had the copies the love letters sent to the victim written by the suspect. They lived together for 4 years. If we try to prove rape, it will be the typical ‘he said, she said’.”

“And if the defender plays the victim’s age and the adoption agreement, the whole trail will be ruined, it will turn into rough sex with consensual or some kind of role play.” Carisi shook his head.

“Or maybe even worse.” Jemma set his mouth in a grim line.

“The suspect will countersue the victim for extorting.” Carisi frowned with a severe look.

“Anything we said can be against the victim on the court.” Jemma took a sip of the coffee

There was a deep silence between them for a few minutes. Then Carisi found out the evidence summited by the defender, he frowned at Jemma, “When did the suspect knew the victim was 20?”

Jemma caught Carisi’s thought, she stood in front of the board and her eyes traveling around it, “Go on!”

“It’s not important when he knows, it’s important what he thinks.” Carisi’s eyes shore.

“I am listening,” Jemma’s heart was beating wildly, “Keep going on!” Jemma’s recalled all the evidence at high speed in her mind.

“The suspect said he adopted the victim.” Carisi plunged forward to the desk and located the evidence he need, meanwhile Jemma’s hand reached out to the same one. Jemma grabbed it from Carisi. It was one of the love letters written by the suspect. She read word by word, “To my sweet daughter and future wife…”

“FUTURE WIFE.” Carisi chewed the words.

Jemma added, “The victim told the suspect that she was 12 years old. And the adoption agreement was signed by the victim’s mother, her legal guardian.”

“He called her ‘future wife’ following ‘daughter’. Even though he knew the victim was 20 when he adopted her, but the suspect, the victim and the victim’s mother implied consent to consider the victim as a little girl when they reached the adoption agreement.” Carisi looked at the love letter, a sneering smile broke on his lips.

Jemma leaned against his desk with arm folded, shaking her head. She couldn’t help laughing out, “And he even admitted having sex with the victim, can you believe it?”

“In other words,” said Carisi, in a frigid contempt tone, “he raped a 12-year-old kid.”

“But if their defense is legal impossibility---” Jemma reminded.

“I’ll get him to admit! Trust me!” Carisi stared at Jemma’s eyes, said with iron certainty

After Jemma checked and numbered the files and evidence and went back from print room. It’s almost 5 am. Jemma found Carisi was still sitting in front of the laptop. Carisi’s face was pale, and his eyes were bloodshot. She glanced at his desk. Carisi drank at least 5 cups of coffee in two hours.

“Carisi,” Jemma called him lightly, “Carisi!”

Carisi looked up at Jemma.

“You need to take a break.” Said Jemma.

“I can’t.” Carisi shook his head, “I’ve finished the closing argument. There are still some works to do. The forms, the brief instruction…I need…”

“Listen, you are busy at work for days, and you will go to trial in four hours. You can’t go through it if you don’t rest. Take a nap, just two hours. You must keep sanity.”

“I…I…” Carisi confused, “Why don’t you take a little break? God, I made you work with me all night. You must be very tired.” Carisi stood up and tried to find a blanket in his office.

Jemma looked at him. She could hear her own voice, “I am not a freshman in law school. I don’t need you to do this for me.” Jemma threw all the files on the desk, “You just don’t think I am competent to be an ADA.”

“Jemma, no…” Carisi shook his head with frustration. He walked toward Jemma, “I didn’t mean…you are overworked recently. I am worried…”

“Stop, Sonny.” Jemma stepped back, with tears running down, “I don’t need you to do my job. I know you are more experienced than me. I want a boyfriend, not some perfect role model. You put so much pressure on me.”

**_You were through a hard time in your first year as an ADA. I guess you saw yourself in Jemma. You just want to shield her from the rough days you’ve been suffered._ **

Jemma stopped him finding the blanket. She held Carisi’s arms and stared at his eyes, said with a smile, “You said I can be a good ADA, remember? So, trust me, leave the rest up to me, I’ll sort it out. OK?”

Carisi stared back at her, hesitated, and then nodded. He fell asleep as soon as he put his head on the desk. Jemma walked close to him. She gazed into Carisi’s face, then put up her hand to push back a lock of Carisi’s hair lightly.

**_I am sorry for what I said before. I know it’s hard to be an ADA. I know you’ve struggled many times in these years. Sometimes, I think I even see myself in you. I know you tried, you must try really hard in the meeting room. You didn’t fail me. You never fail me. You are tired, Carisi, now let me be your shield._ **

When Carisi woke up, all work was done. The original and the copies of files and evidence were sitting neatly on the desk based on the order of complaints with numbers and brief instructions. The indictment, opening statements, the key points of examination and closing argument were printed out and put in the envelopes. All he need to do was taking the stuffs and go to court.

Carisi turned to look at Jemma. She was leaning on the couch and fell asleep after she finished all work. Carisi stood up and put files in his briefcase lightly, avoided waking her up.

Carisi walked toward the door, then stopped suddenly. He bite his lip and took a deep breath, making up his mind. “Screw no touch.” Carisi mumbled and turned around. He walked rapidly back to Jemma, then bent down and pressed a big kiss on the top of her head.


End file.
